Question: So my best friend is gloating about this boy who is flirting with her. She doesn't know that I might like him. She has stolen two of my crushes before ON PURPOSE. She always gets everything she wants. And now she likes him.. what do i do?
Answer: Hola chicas. We are about to step into a minefield of an Ask Sophia. These types of issues are so complicated and can ultimately lead to a bigger decision you have to make about your priorities. Some level of discomfort is expected when you and your friend both like the same guy. It’s hard to even be in your friend’s presence when you are consumed by this conflict. In this post, I want to talk about being on both sides of this issue: the one who feels betrayed by their best friend but also the girl who is now also starting to like their bestie’s crush.
Some stuff we gotta to keep in mind
First, I want to begin this post by establishing that this scenario is referring to a friend who is like a top 5 bestie…. You two talk all the time, expect that she will be loyal, lots of open communication. If you are upset about an acquaintance/friend-ish that likes the same guy as you, you can’t really dictate who she does and doesn’t like because she doesn’t owe you anything. That girl code thing in general will be a separate post. How can one of your best friends ‘steal’ your crush if you’ve never even told that friend that you like him?
Second, this ‘crush’ of yours is strictly a crush. This means you guys are NOT in a relationship, maybe you’ve kissed???... but probably not. He is just a crush.
Does liking someone first mean you get dibs?
Your chances….
Unrealistic
You have to think about how realistic this crush is? Do you genuinely see it working out between you two? Are you guys non stop flirting, hanging out, and facetiming… or at least on the trajectory of you guys hooking up or becoming something more? If the answer is no and you keep your fingers crossed hoping he’ll magically start being in love with you (which is normal and I think this way too) then it’s only fair that you leave him up for grabs because you can't gatekeep your crush. I am the type of person to make it pretty evident when I like someone and my good friends will know because I overthink and don’t shut up about it. Having a friend tell me that they like one of my crushes, think he’s hot, or say that they would get with him understandably sends a jolt of envy through me but I have to realize that I have no chance and that’s that… even if you liked him first, you have to accept that he doesn’t want you (I’m getting pretty good at that but will always keep a spark of hope haha). Me and my best friends will laugh about how we’ll both never get to be with him and it’s honestly just a big dream.
Realistic
Now let’s say that you have expressed to your best friend that you have a huge crush on a guy in your friend group or someone that you know FOR SURE is interested in you. If he likes YOU and this crush feels realistic then tell your best friend that you hoped she would respect that he’s off limits for the time being because you see a future with this guy and she knows that! However, down below I will talk about the other perspective to this conversation.
Scenario 2: Your best friend flirts/gets with your crush
Ok quickly backtracking so we’re all on the same page here… you ‘claimed’ a guy or at least told your bestie about someone but you notice they are flirting a lot or maybe she got with him. First: is this like her? Is she a big flirt? Ughhh it's probably killing you. Yes it might hurt you to see her doing this but it shouldn’t be something to worry about. Is this the type of ‘bestie’ who is kind of toxic and would sabotage your relationship with your crush not necessarily to offend you but more because she isn’t thinking about it that much and doesn’t take your feelings into account. What you need to do is have a conversation with your friend and confirm that she is just being friendly but doesn’t actually like the guy. Remember to not be judgy or harsh and give your bestie the space to be honest with you… maybe she does like him but has never felt comfortable telling you. The big question here is can you be happy for your friend if she does end up with this guy? Can you watch them have a relationship and be ok? If this crush of yours doesn’t really like you (maybe never will) but is very much into your best friend, of course it will hurt but does that mean she can’t be with him. Definitely will be awkward and hard for you but how big of a deal is it really to you?
Scenario 3: Your best friend’s crush is into you…. how do you tell her?
Ok, switching perspectives! Before you even talk to your best friend, you need to be 100% ABSOLUTELY certain that there are mutual feelings there. You are close enough to him that you are able to tell him that this could ruin your friendship with your bestie. Be aware of how he responds and make sure that he WANTS you (could just be a hookup or girlfriend… regardless, you can’t bring this up to your friend if you are iffy that the feels are there). If this is a best friend you genuinely care about, you have to put her before the boy. Talk things through with her and be honest. Tell her that you would NEVER want to hurt her. Add that you never intended to ‘steal’ her crush but that he showed interest and you tried to suppress your feelings and you can’t control them. It’s hard because you shouldn’t have to get her approval but I think it’s the right thing to do… I guess you could take it more of a ‘I wanted to make sure you'd be ok with it if I ever wanted to get with him’ or a ‘I really like him too and I might get with him’ route… up to you. Tell her that you understand it’s a tricky situation but her friendship is very important to you and you don’t want a boy to change that.
Jealousy
Finally, I want to talk about the difference between liking the same guy and being jealous because that can get fuzzy… In a perfect world you see your best friend is into some guy, she tells you all about it, and you are beyond supportive and happy for her. All of these things can happen but (like a normal person) you feel a sense of jealousy because you have no one. The second you see your friend is wifed up by a cute guy you might think you ‘like’ him too. It’s probably not him but more the idea of getting attention from an attractive person. I keep telling myself that my time will come where all my admirers start to appear lol. Girl if you’re feeling hella single right now, I am too! You’re not alone… just don’t get in the way of your friends' relationships if you don’t have to.
At the end of the day, these conversations are really tricky but they are very normal and happen a lot. I don’t think there is one right answer for handling this and every friendship is different but try your best to consider how much he really is worth and what you are giving up. Also big sis reminding you to be kind always!
You got this,
Sophia